There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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