the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
