I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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