She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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