Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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