is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
