Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
