sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
