You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
