He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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