I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
