Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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