Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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