The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
