You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
