I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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