we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
