This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
