some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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