I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I still have a little drunk in my system
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
