I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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