He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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