I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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