He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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