Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish you could order shots online.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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