I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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