i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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