he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
