Apparently you make a good broom.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
