Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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