are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
