im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
