Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
