Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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