Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
