Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
