he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
