i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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