She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
