We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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