Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
