i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
