What did we do last night that was yellow?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
