I just saw a hot homeless man
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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