I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
