These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
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for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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