his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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