My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
