dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
