You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
