my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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