do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
