I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
