My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
