Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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