I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
