Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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