the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just cropdusted the office
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
